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Post by metanoia on May 11, 2019 18:18:49 GMT
I need extra tuition Miss! In particular I need the nuances of French verbs spanking in to me by somebody dressed in a French maid's outfit. When are you about? Better see if I can still fit into the outfit...😉 Watch out, watch out - Robert's about!!!
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Post by Mr Stabby on May 24, 2019 21:39:49 GMT
I said to my boss "What do you want me to do with this six-metre roll of bubble-wrap?"
He said "just pop it in the corner".
Four fucking hours it took me.
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Joke Time
May 24, 2019 21:45:05 GMT
via mobile
Post by Jim on May 24, 2019 21:45:05 GMT
I said to my boss "What do you want me to do with this six-metre roll of bubble-wrap?" He said "just pop it in the corner". Four fucking hours it took me. Great fun baiting the grandspawn with that one.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2019 22:16:44 GMT
A bit old, but I enjoyed it.
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Post by Andyberg on Jun 4, 2019 1:37:39 GMT
A man from Glasgow was up in court the other day accused of 'Bestiality involving a cat'
The Judge threw out the charge claiming He had never heard of any Scotsman 'ever putting anything into a kitty!' 🙄
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Post by bargemast on Jun 18, 2019 16:55:51 GMT
Here's a story that made me laugh, which sadly hasn't happened very often lately
*My wife (named Andrea) found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. * *Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. * *At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." * *Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." * *The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." * *Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." * The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week
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Post by lollygagger on Jun 18, 2019 18:28:07 GMT
I think I’m being stalked...
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
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Post by lollygagger on Jun 18, 2019 18:33:27 GMT
I met an old school friend recently.
'Where are you working now?'
'I cook meals for the homeless, alcoholics, drug addicts, gamblers and the unemployed'
'For a charity?'
''No, Wetherspoons'
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Post by lollygagger on Jun 18, 2019 18:34:29 GMT
Mi teecher sed I wud be no gud at poetry cos ov mi dyslexia
But so far I've made 3 mugs and a vase - so F U Mr. Mcpherson
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Post by lollygagger on Jun 18, 2019 18:40:51 GMT
The average height of a dwarf is 3 feet. That’s a little gnome fact.
I took my wife to the doctors as I thought she might be showing signs of Tourette’s.
The good news - she doesn’t have it.
The bad news - she actually does think I’m a t**t and wants me to f**k off
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Post by lollygagger on Jun 18, 2019 18:44:06 GMT
I used to get a valentines card from a secret admirer, every year, without fail. I didn’t this year . Just typical of the luck I’m having, first my gran dies, now this.
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Post by lollygagger on Jun 18, 2019 18:56:45 GMT
An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’ He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’ She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’ The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’ He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.
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Post by lollygagger on Jun 18, 2019 18:58:53 GMT
Due to the heavy snow forecast, I went to the shop on my bicycle, to buy a bottle of whisky.
I put it in the bicycle basket. Then as I was about to leave,I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all of it before I cycled home.
Bloody good job I did because I fell off the bike seven times on the way home.
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Post by lollygagger on Jun 18, 2019 19:00:31 GMT
A woman visits her local plastic surgeon for a spot of vaginoplasty as her flower had now begun to look less like a flower and more like a toad in the hole after 4 kids, and 20 years of marriage had taken their toll. Upon awakening from anesthesia, she's confused to find 3 beautiful red roses lay at the foot of her hospital bed. She calls the nurse and asks for an explanation. Ah says the nurse the first rose is from your surgeon he says you were such a model patient and the operation went swimmingly he wanted go congratulate you on your new vagina! And the second, asks the woman?? The second rose is from your husband Charles, he had a quick peek beneath the sheets and cant wait to get you home to try it out! And the third rose asks the woman?? Mmmm says the nurse! The third rose is from Eric in the burns unit, he said thanks for the new EARS
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Post by bargemast on Jun 18, 2019 19:07:02 GMT
The average height of a dwarf is 3 feet. That’s a little gnome fact. I took my wife to the doctors as I thought she might be showing signs of Tourette’s. The good news - she doesn’t have it. The bad news - she actually does think I’m a t**t and wants me to f**k offShe seems to know you, you'll have to keep her if you can.
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