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Joke Time
Jan 14, 2020 18:44:43 GMT
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Post by Jim on Jan 14, 2020 18:44:43 GMT
So I went on the tour of Cheddar Gorge. The guide said that she would shortly be showing us some stalactites but asked us not to crack one off. She wasn't even that attractive. She said nowt about stalagmites, you'd have been OK.
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Post by metanoia on Jan 14, 2020 19:14:13 GMT
Spare a thought for poor Shania....
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Joke Time
Jan 14, 2020 19:16:48 GMT
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Post by Jim on Jan 14, 2020 19:16:48 GMT
Best not go there, its thoughts of Shania that set him off. 😵
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Post by metanoia on Jan 14, 2020 19:19:01 GMT
..and her stalagtites?
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Joke Time
Jan 14, 2020 19:22:16 GMT
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Post by Jim on Jan 14, 2020 19:22:16 GMT
Tied in a bow?
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Post by lollygagger on Jan 15, 2020 18:02:28 GMT
The pope is handing our miracles to kids in Liverpool. Billy walks on stage and says "Can you help me with my hearing?". The pope says "Yes", puts his hands on Billy's ears and prays. He removes his hands and says "How is your hearing now?". Billy says " I don't know, it's not until next Wednesday"...
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Post by lollygagger on Jan 18, 2020 14:08:02 GMT
A policeman knocked on my door the other day. He said, "Excuse me sir. Do you know H. B. ?" I said "Erm...no!". He said "Well, do you know A.J.?" Again I said "Nope!". He then said "What about G.N. or S.T. or even D.W?" I said "Nope. What's all this about?" He replied "It's alright sir, I'm just making initial enquiries".
I'll get my coat...
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Post by lollygagger on Jan 18, 2020 14:09:10 GMT
A store that sells new husbands has opened in London where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that have some money and like a beer and a sh*g whenever you fancy.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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Post by lollygagger on Jan 24, 2020 8:24:24 GMT
A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral. A funeral Coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "That first coffin is for my wife." "What happened to her?" "My dog attacked and killed her." "Well, who is in the second coffin?" My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also." A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the man asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Join the queue."
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Post by lollygagger on Jan 29, 2020 12:38:57 GMT
I was sat on the bus this morning when i noticed the beautiful young woman sitting next to me was reading a book titled "Strange but true sexual facts". "Interesting?" I ask. "Yes" she replies, "For instance, did you know that the American Red Indian has the longest penis in the world and an Irishman has the thickest?" "Oh, I'm sorry" she continued, my name's Helen & yours?" ... "Tonto O'Riley "
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Post by Mr Stabby on Jan 30, 2020 20:40:15 GMT
My next-door neighbour was discovered dead in an ice cream van, covered in crushed hazelnuts and chocolate sauce.
The Police think he topped himself.
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Deleted
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Joke Time
Jan 30, 2020 20:50:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2020 20:50:26 GMT
My next-door neighbour was discovered dead in an ice cream van, covered in crushed hazelnuts and chocolate sauce. The Police think he topped himself. Are you sure he was dead...he may have just been flaked out...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2020 21:13:42 GMT
My next-door neighbour was discovered dead in an ice cream van, covered in crushed hazelnuts and chocolate sauce. The Police think he topped himself. I bet his funeral was on a Sundae. Rog
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Joke Time
Jan 31, 2020 7:08:31 GMT
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Post by Jim on Jan 31, 2020 7:08:31 GMT
We need a whippy round.
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Post by naughtyfox on Jan 31, 2020 7:52:57 GMT
You may think your jokes are the CREAM of the crop, Jim, but I'd put them on ICE if I were you.
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