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Post by naughtyfox on Nov 15, 2016 15:53:00 GMT
ps - good 'un Gazza, the hedgehog one. I saved that to my hard disk.
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Deleted
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Joke Time
Nov 15, 2016 15:59:47 GMT
via mobile
Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2016 15:59:47 GMT
ps - good 'un Gazza, the hedgehog one. I saved that to my hard disk. Hang on, I've another good un...
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2016 16:01:33 GMT
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Post by naughtyfox on Nov 15, 2016 16:26:39 GMT
horse whisperer: someone who has sexual relations with a horse and is discreet about it. Well done, David Thorne! I would have given you 7 stars straight away!
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Post by Delta9 on Nov 15, 2016 17:03:11 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2016 18:38:54 GMT
SERIOUS ENQUIRIES ONLY:
A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Ryder Cup. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodation. He didn't realise when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Johns Church,Worcester at 2.15pm. Her name is Susan. She will be the one in the white dress.
Cheers
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Post by Stumpy on Nov 18, 2016 13:31:12 GMT
On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream van hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
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Post by naughtyfox on Nov 18, 2016 15:50:57 GMT
Five Canalworlders boarded a train just behind five Thunderboaters, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Thunderboaters piled into the toilet at the end of the carriage. As the conductor passed the toilet he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and the ticket was slid under the door. It was punched and pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Thunderboaters came out and re-took their seats. The Canalworlders were tremendously impressed by the Thunderboaters' ingenuity.
On the trip back the five Canalworlders decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Thunderboaters had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Thunderboaters piled into one of the toilets at the end of the carriage, the Canalworlders into the other opposite. Then one of the Thunderboaters leaned out, knocked on the Canalworlders' toilet door and called "Ticket, please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2016 19:23:38 GMT
Five Canalworlders boarded a train just behind five Thunderboaters, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Thunderboaters piled into the toilet at the end of the carriage. As the conductor passed the toilet he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and the ticket was slid under the door. It was punched and pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Thunderboaters came out and re-took their seats. The Canalworlders were tremendously impressed by the Thunderboaters' ingenuity. On the trip back the five Canalworlders decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Thunderboaters had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Thunderboaters piled into one of the toilets at the end of the carriage, the Canalworlders into the other opposite. Then one of the Thunderboaters leaned out, knocked on the Canalworlders' toilet door and called "Ticket, please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door. One of the Canalworlders (fucking snitch!) realised what was happening and decided to go up to the guard and explain that there was 5 Thunderboaters hiding in the loo. The kerfuffle that ensued resulted in the Thunderboaters being banned from the railways
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2016 19:31:47 GMT
It started snowing heavily a couple of hours ago and is really quite deep now.
My wife's face has been glued to the window since it started.
If it carries on much longer I'm going to have to let her in.
Rog
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Post by Saltysplash on Nov 19, 2016 10:43:45 GMT
It started snowing heavily a couple of hours ago and is really quite deep now. My wife's face has been glued to the window since it started. If it carries on much longer I'm going to have to let her in. Rog Ah, that reminds me of Took the mother-in-law to the seaside the other day......she did nothing but moan all the way there. She was still moaning when I let her out of the boot. RIP Les Dawson
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2016 9:33:55 GMT
One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my
list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here,
so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here
who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened
the door to the first room.
In it was George W Bush in a large pool of murky water. Dubya kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over and over and
over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.
"No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair.
I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Dick Cheney with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented Donald.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his
legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does best...
Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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ted
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Post by ted on Nov 20, 2016 11:02:13 GMT
My favourite joke of 2016 When Theresa May became Prime Minister the Cabinet Secretary texted her to ask what she was going to do about Boris. She replied "Tell him F.Off." And that is the only reason why Boris Johnson is in charge of the Foreign Office.
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Post by JohnV on Nov 20, 2016 11:22:28 GMT
My favourite joke of 2016 When Theresa May became Prime Minister the Cabinet Secretary texted her to ask what she was going to do about Boris. She replied "Tell him F.Off." And that is the only reason why Boris Johnson is in charge of the Foreign Office. that has to take the prize for the best ever first post !!! welcome aboard the Thunderboat trevor !!!
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Post by boatman on Nov 20, 2016 17:15:32 GMT
First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
. . . . . . . . The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season Begins......
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