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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2016 17:33:58 GMT
Viagra won't turn you into James Bond.
But it might make you Roger Moore.
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Post by Stumpy on Nov 25, 2016 10:29:24 GMT
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
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Post by Stumpy on Nov 25, 2016 10:31:54 GMT
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?
All the men stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn' t belong to them?'
Half the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
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Joke Time
Nov 25, 2016 11:14:22 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2016 11:14:22 GMT
A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.
"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. (At this point, several of the children giggle.) I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me." At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company" "That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."
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Post by Mr Stabby on Nov 25, 2016 11:52:18 GMT
Forty gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up GOD, saying:
'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'
GOD replies 'We are over our quota on Pikeys.
Go back out to the Pearly Gates and tell them to choose among them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to GOD again.
'They've gone', he tells GOD.
'What?' says GOD, 'All 40 of them?'
'No, the Pearly Gates'.
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Joke Time
Nov 25, 2016 12:15:35 GMT
via mobile
Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2016 12:15:35 GMT
Forty gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans. St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up GOD, saying: 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?' GOD replies 'We are over our quota on Pikeys. Go back out to the Pearly Gates and tell them to choose among them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.' Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to GOD again. 'They've gone', he tells GOD. 'What?' says GOD, 'All 40 of them?' 'No, the Pearly Gates'. Nicked...
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2016 12:46:51 GMT
Forty gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans. St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up GOD, saying: 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?' GOD replies 'We are over our quota on Pikeys. Go back out to the Pearly Gates and tell them to choose among them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.' Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to GOD again. 'They've gone', he tells GOD. 'What?' says GOD, 'All 40 of them?' 'No, the Pearly Gates'. That's quite offensive really. Should really be removed as it is beyond the pale in my opinion. Jokes which imply that god actually exists are out of order;)
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Post by Stumpy on Nov 25, 2016 12:52:01 GMT
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man.
"That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".
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Post by Stumpy on Nov 25, 2016 12:53:41 GMT
As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.
She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey.
I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."
The husband sadly turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife.
"Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
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Post by Mr Stabby on Nov 25, 2016 13:37:23 GMT
Q. What have women and Kentucky Fried Chicken got in common?
A. When you've finished with the breast and the legs, all that's left is a greasy box to stick your bone in.
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Post by Stumpy on Nov 25, 2016 14:04:53 GMT
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The husband said, "No sweetie."
The woman said, "I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."
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Joke Time
Nov 25, 2016 14:20:58 GMT
via mobile
Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2016 14:20:58 GMT
Forty gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans. St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up GOD, saying: 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?' GOD replies 'We are over our quota on Pikeys. Go back out to the Pearly Gates and tell them to choose among them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.' Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to GOD again. 'They've gone', he tells GOD. 'What?' says GOD, 'All 40 of them?' 'No, the Pearly Gates'. That's quite offensive really. Should really be removed as it is beyond the pale in my opinion. Jokes which imply that god actually exists are out of order;) I don't see why anyone should take 'offence'...well unless you are a pikey of course...
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Post by JohnV on Nov 25, 2016 14:23:58 GMT
Nuts to the Pikeys ..... it's the Atheists who find it offensive !!!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2016 14:32:40 GMT
Nuts to the Pikeys ..... it's the Atheists who find it offensive !!! Actually I don't think anyone is 100% athiest or 100% into a faith. We are all agnostic to a degree. It's the ones who are 100% cock sure who cause problems. Bugger...you've set me off again...
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Post by Stumpy on Nov 25, 2016 14:40:54 GMT
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim.
When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?"
The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me."
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?"
The preacher replied again, "No God will save me."
Eventually the preacher drowned and went to heaven.
The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
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