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Post by metanoia on Feb 8, 2020 0:10:26 GMT
...and what a surprise that was. Why DO they think we're all so witless?!
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Post by naughtyfox on Feb 8, 2020 7:29:38 GMT
So it took Phillp Schofield less than 60 seconds to find out the value of his car but 57 years to work out who he wanted to fuck? What I want to know is where Gordon disappeared to.
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Post by naughtyfox on Feb 8, 2020 7:57:57 GMT
So it took Phillp Schofield less than 60 seconds to find out the value of his car I like going into newsagents and saying "how much is that mars bar?" Then saying "ok I may be back later I've several more I want to look at first".
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Post by Mr Stabby on Feb 8, 2020 9:42:17 GMT
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Post by Mr Stabby on Feb 8, 2020 10:00:55 GMT
Q. Which Spice Girl can hold the most petrol?
A. Geri can.
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Post by Mr Stabby on Feb 11, 2020 8:35:48 GMT
Due to Storm Ciara, all flights have been cancelled into and out of Liverpool John Lennon Airport.
Imagine all the people...
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Post by Mr Stabby on Apr 16, 2020 21:06:45 GMT
If I had £1 for every time a woman said I wasn't her type, I'd be her type.
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Post by Mr Stabby on Apr 16, 2020 21:17:24 GMT
When I was married, I once heard that some bloke wanted to tip my wife upside-down, fill her fanny up with Guinness, and then drink it.
I thought "Fuck, I'm not going to mess with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness".
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Post by naughtyfox on Apr 17, 2020 15:30:22 GMT
The Chinese are amongst the happiest people in the world. Ask any Chinese person what’s it like living in China and they’ll answer “I can’t complain.”
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Post by naughtyfox on Apr 18, 2020 16:15:49 GMT
Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realise they'll have to inform his wife. Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep," replies Bob. "Say, where did you get the six-pack?" Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me." "WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??" "Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'Are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no. you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2020 18:22:30 GMT
There is a plane carrying 5 passengers,
Nicola Sturgeon, Boris Johnson, Donald Trump, The Pope and a 10 year old school boy.
The plane begins to go down and is about to crash. There is only 4 parachutes on board.
Nicola Sturgeon says "I have to live, I have the Scottish independence to sort out." and takes a parachute and jumps.
The Pope says "I have to live, I have sort out the Catholic Church." and takes a parachute and jumps.
Donald Trump says "I have to live, I'm the smartest man in America." and takes a parachute and jumps.
Boris Johnson looks at the 10 year old school boy and says "You can have the last parachute. I'm alot older than you and I've lived my life, yours has yet to begin."
The 10 year old school boy says "Don't worry Mr Johnson. There's 2 parachutes left. The smartest man in America just took my school bag."
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2020 18:32:55 GMT
Made me laugh ... of course it would have been better for some if super grandad had been the hero Rog
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Post by lollygagger on Apr 25, 2020 18:36:24 GMT
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with £20 notes. He guesses there must be at least thirty thousand pounds in it. He approaches the barman and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay £20 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Jag"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the barman, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the barman £20 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the barman, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole bottle of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my £20 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a bottle of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the barman, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2020 19:03:49 GMT
I've heard that one involving a dragon, an urang-utang and a bear. But never a dog.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2020 19:18:46 GMT
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