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Post by Jim on May 14, 2020 14:08:23 GMT
Englishman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Aye
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Welshman: "Dog don't talk."
Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doing all right."
Welshman: (look of shock) Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman) Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welshman (Look of total disbelief!) Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman: "Horse don't talk."
Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!) Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman) Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."
Welshman: (Look of total amazement) Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welshman: "That sheep's a liar!"
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Post by Jim on May 17, 2020 15:18:31 GMT
Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a giant out of town supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears. "What's the matter?" asks Olaf. "Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets." "No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you." Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets and the old lady selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her. At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair. "I'd really like to thank you Mr Norseman," says the old lady, "but I don't even know who you are!" Olaf just walks off and waves. "I was really worried about you," says the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?" She replies, "Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name.
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May 17, 2020 15:38:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2020 15:38:28 GMT
Good song that is
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Post by lollygagger on Jun 28, 2020 7:15:00 GMT
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket, and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way, he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy Smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
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Post by Mr Stabby on Jul 6, 2020 20:58:43 GMT
Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London. Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thickos from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on me best English accent."
"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick. They go in and Paddy says in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well yes," said Paddy. "How did you know?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."
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Post by Mr Stabby on Jul 7, 2020 21:27:53 GMT
I've been learning German for twenty years.
It's "zwanzig Jahren".
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Post by Mr Stabby on Aug 30, 2020 16:10:15 GMT
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Aug 30, 2020 16:13:57 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2020 16:13:57 GMT
The old ones are the best isn't it.
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Aug 30, 2020 16:14:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2020 16:14:33 GMT
I like the eighteen carat dog joke myself. Always gives me a giggle.
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Post by Mr Stabby on Aug 30, 2020 17:15:28 GMT
The old ones are the best isn't it. Any joke based on stereotypical Northern primitives and their peculiar speech mannerisms is amusing regardless of age. Humour levels tend to be augmented if the joke involves whippets, pigeons, plates of tripe and onions or chip barms.
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Aug 30, 2020 17:43:58 GMT
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Post by Jim on Aug 30, 2020 17:43:58 GMT
Of course mard southerners use Northern jokes and culture because they have none of their own worth mentioning.
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Post by Mr Stabby on Aug 30, 2020 20:03:23 GMT
Of course mard southerners use Northern jokes and culture because they have none of their own worth mentioning. Of course we have jokes in the South. Man- "Excuse me, is there a B & Q in Henley?" Other man- "No, there's an H, an E, an N..."
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Aug 30, 2020 20:14:06 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2020 20:14:06 GMT
That's a strange coincidence as I've just been doing some boat handling around Henley bridge.
Was quite funny because there was some lad in a speed boat looking all clever but he didn't notice me about to ram him. So I politely blipped the air horn. Not too loud as one would not wish to upset the neighbours.
I like doing 360 pirouettes around Thames bridges. It's better than hitting them..
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Aug 30, 2020 20:16:19 GMT
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Post by Trina on Aug 30, 2020 20:16:19 GMT
Makes me realise why I loved 'The Fast Show',plus I just happened to watch a programme about it last night.Loved it on the telly & saw it live.😁
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Aug 30, 2020 20:26:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2020 20:26:55 GMT
The fast show. Brilliant !!
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