|
Post by Mr Stabby on Aug 29, 2021 20:38:44 GMT
I was going to post a joke about sodium but then I thought Na, people won't understand.
|
|
|
Post by Jim on Sept 3, 2021 9:05:12 GMT
Shame it isn't funny
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2021 18:38:16 GMT
The government.
|
|
|
Post by Jim on Sept 12, 2021 16:36:04 GMT
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
βWith the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......
"What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!"π
|
|
|
Post by Jim on Sept 14, 2021 7:14:24 GMT
I was driving by the Cemetery and saw my mate, "Morning" I shouted. "No" he replied, "just walking the dog."
|
|
|
Post by Mr Stabby on Sept 18, 2021 21:13:53 GMT
I just read about a bloke who is addicted to drinking brake fluid.
He claims he could stop at any time.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Joke Time
Sept 19, 2021 7:15:43 GMT
via mobile
Jim likes this
Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2021 7:15:43 GMT
I met one of the farm workers the other day harvesting the potatoes. They were missing a lot of them because of using a machine. I suggested this was an error. He said it was okay because they were going to be made into crisps.
Someone else spotted us nattering and wandered across to see what it was all about.
After some discussion it turned out I was talking to one of the foremost potato experts and he was in fact out standing in his field.
|
|
|
Joke Time
Sept 19, 2021 11:17:34 GMT
via mobile
Post by Jim on Sept 19, 2021 11:17:34 GMT
I met one of the farm workers the other day harvesting the potatoes. They were missing a lot of them because of using a machine. I suggested this was an error. He said it was okay because they were going to be made into crisps. Someone else spotted us nattering and wandered across to see what it was all about. After some discussion it turned out I was talking to one of the foremost potato experts and he was in fact out standing in his field. Did you think that one up?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Joke Time
Sept 19, 2021 12:22:40 GMT
via mobile
Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2021 12:22:40 GMT
I met one of the farm workers the other day harvesting the potatoes. They were missing a lot of them because of using a machine. I suggested this was an error. He said it was okay because they were going to be made into crisps. Someone else spotted us nattering and wandered across to see what it was all about. After some discussion it turned out I was talking to one of the foremost potato experts and he was in fact out standing in his field. Did you think that one up? Yes. I'm sure the last bit must have been used before though ! There is a potato field here and the harvesting machine did miss loads of potatoes.
|
|
|
Post by Jim on Sept 19, 2021 13:00:39 GMT
Did you think that one up? Yes. I'm sure the last bit must have been used before though ! There is a potato field here and the harvesting machine did miss loads of potatoes. Time to go gleaning.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Joke Time
Sept 19, 2021 13:05:15 GMT
via mobile
Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2021 13:05:15 GMT
Did that with the kids last weekend field is now plowed.
I explained to them I might get imprisoned for theft so we did it when it was getting dark.
I thought it was pilfering.
|
|
|
Post by JohnV on Sept 20, 2021 18:05:26 GMT
This time of year always used to get loads of spuds.
In Essex it always seemed that the farmers used tor try and carry too many spuds in the trailers from the field to store and at the first few bends on the narrow country lanes there were always loads of spuds on the verges where they had spilled off (some very big potato growers around some areas)
"Gleaned" spuds and roadkill pheasant ...... proper grub
|
|
|
Post by Jim on Sept 20, 2021 18:45:30 GMT
This time of year always used to get loads of spuds. In Essex it always seemed that the farmers used tor try and carry too many spuds in the trailers from the field to store and at the first few bends on the narrow country lanes there were always loads of spuds on the verges where they had spilled off (some very big potato growers around some areas) "Gleaned" spuds and roadkill pheasant ...... proper grub In days gone by, camping with motorbike, all the gear went into a canoe on the sidecar chassis, we used to collect roadkill bunnies. Sunday morning, breakfasting caravanners all around, there was I gutting a bunny on a table outside the tent, guts in a bucket, meat in the frying pan, ready for lunch. Used to keep and use a ferret too, poaching bunnies. Mate had a shotgun licence, permission on a couple of farms. He had a WW1 Lee Enfield bored out to 410 as well as a 12 bore. Be warned, the mature man and clown outfits are just disguises for a rascal!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Joke Time
Sept 20, 2021 18:50:03 GMT
via mobile
Post by Deleted on Sept 20, 2021 18:50:03 GMT
I shot a robin from 4 inches with a BSA Meteor when I was 11 in 1985.
I just regret I didn't cook it afterwards. We had loads of pigeons though. that was during the awful full conflict divorce between my mad parents when a nutter husband of one of my cousin's gave me the gun. He was later imprisoned for fraud and she (cousin) hanged herself. I was the man of the (very large but soon sold) house for about six months.
And here I am traumatised about shooting the robin.
And I also shot a rabbit in the eye and it took ages to die. I could not get to it but could hear it dying.
All a bit bad really. I still have the BSA but lost the rear sight.
That house could have been a dream residence for someone and probably now is but for us it was a horrible nightmare.
Give me a little boat rather than a grand old country house with swimming pool and tennis court any day thanks.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Joke Time
Sept 20, 2021 18:54:16 GMT
via mobile
Jim likes this
Post by Deleted on Sept 20, 2021 18:54:16 GMT
Be warned, the mature man ... ! Who are you referring to?
|
|