The cynics guide to the perfect British seaside holiday
Jun 7, 2021 11:17:23 GMT
peterboat, JohnV, and 4 more like this
Post by Clinton Cool on Jun 7, 2021 11:17:23 GMT
This guide is not intended to be exhaustive. Rather, it’s a snapshot of the sheer delights that can be enjoyed at a British seaside resort, along with suggestions as to how to get the best out of your long awaited break.
Outward appearance: It’s essential to have tattoos, if you’re younger than 40. One is acceptable but the more the merrier.
Food and drink: While other food and drinks items are optional; chips, ice cream and beer are obligatory
Family structure: At least one pushchair is desirable, but two is preferable. You should, most certainly, have at least one dog.
Down the prom: Please spread your family right across its width to ensure that anyone walking with any purpose can’t pass without breaking covid 19 protocols. Please walk aimlessly, a slow saunter that leads to a slight side to side swaying with each step. Any gents over 65 should clasp their hands firmly behind their backs, as they saunter. Should your family be smaller than is typical, please space yourself sensibly, making the best use of the available space. Any wastage of space can be taken up by using extendable dog leads with their length adjusted in a judicious manner. In all cases, feign shock and surprise should someone be walking with any purpose, break your ranks, and pass.
Littering: The devil finds work for idle hands to do. Therefore, rather than taking your chip cartons, ice cream wrappers and beer bottles off the beach with you just leave them right where they are. There are volunteer litter pickers. It’s good for people to be kept busy, this leads to greater efficiencies.
Toilet habits: If you get caught out whilst on the dunes (it can happen to anyone) please don’t bury the deposit deep in the sand. Please leave it standing proudly on the dunes but ensure it’s in a prominent position in order that a poor child can avoid stepping on it.
Crabbing: Should you have the fortune of catching a weever fish in your bacon baited dropnet please consider your options carefully. Following due consideration, please ignore the very prominent signs warming about the highly poisonous nature of weever fish. Instead have little Johnny, your son, proudly hold the fish while all concerned can snap away on their smartphones. An emergency trip to the hospital is a small price to pay for the perfect family photo.
Water based activities. During offshore winds, please launch your child into the ocean in a cheap Chinese piece of junk masquerading as a dinghy. The RNLI are close by and as we already know, everybody likes to be kept busy.
Supermarket etiquete: Form a tight huddle outside the supermarket, jabber away about why it’s taking so long for the light to turn to green, when so many shoppers are leaving the supermarket. When it eventually turns green, storm the supermarket. Next, please follow the general instructions for ‘down the prom’ but adjust your tactics slightly in order that you occupy and block off the first three aisles, as a bare minimum.
Have a wonderful holiday by the sea.
Outward appearance: It’s essential to have tattoos, if you’re younger than 40. One is acceptable but the more the merrier.
Food and drink: While other food and drinks items are optional; chips, ice cream and beer are obligatory
Family structure: At least one pushchair is desirable, but two is preferable. You should, most certainly, have at least one dog.
Down the prom: Please spread your family right across its width to ensure that anyone walking with any purpose can’t pass without breaking covid 19 protocols. Please walk aimlessly, a slow saunter that leads to a slight side to side swaying with each step. Any gents over 65 should clasp their hands firmly behind their backs, as they saunter. Should your family be smaller than is typical, please space yourself sensibly, making the best use of the available space. Any wastage of space can be taken up by using extendable dog leads with their length adjusted in a judicious manner. In all cases, feign shock and surprise should someone be walking with any purpose, break your ranks, and pass.
Littering: The devil finds work for idle hands to do. Therefore, rather than taking your chip cartons, ice cream wrappers and beer bottles off the beach with you just leave them right where they are. There are volunteer litter pickers. It’s good for people to be kept busy, this leads to greater efficiencies.
Toilet habits: If you get caught out whilst on the dunes (it can happen to anyone) please don’t bury the deposit deep in the sand. Please leave it standing proudly on the dunes but ensure it’s in a prominent position in order that a poor child can avoid stepping on it.
Crabbing: Should you have the fortune of catching a weever fish in your bacon baited dropnet please consider your options carefully. Following due consideration, please ignore the very prominent signs warming about the highly poisonous nature of weever fish. Instead have little Johnny, your son, proudly hold the fish while all concerned can snap away on their smartphones. An emergency trip to the hospital is a small price to pay for the perfect family photo.
Water based activities. During offshore winds, please launch your child into the ocean in a cheap Chinese piece of junk masquerading as a dinghy. The RNLI are close by and as we already know, everybody likes to be kept busy.
Supermarket etiquete: Form a tight huddle outside the supermarket, jabber away about why it’s taking so long for the light to turn to green, when so many shoppers are leaving the supermarket. When it eventually turns green, storm the supermarket. Next, please follow the general instructions for ‘down the prom’ but adjust your tactics slightly in order that you occupy and block off the first three aisles, as a bare minimum.
Have a wonderful holiday by the sea.
Barmouth. There ya go, not too bad-looking. The Witch and I drove through about 12 years ago, after which we visited Harlech and the Ffestiniog railway.
