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Post by lollygagger on Oct 31, 2016 11:38:38 GMT
My dad has got to the point where he needs at the least "keeping an eye on". Since May he's not allowed to drive because of his eyesight. Thank heavens for that is all I can say, like many tasks he was on autopilot, once backed out onto a busy main road, if he could remember why he'd got the car out he couldn't remember the way... He lives alone so as I found myself with time, in August I stayed with him for 2 weeks. He gets along by sticking to a strict routine. If you asked him where the toaster is, he'd have to look. He thinks the kitchen has been same for 50 years despite him replacing it all twice. He exists mainly on microwaved meals which are OK, but not nourishing enough. He was eating an extra meal a day while I was there, I like cooking and one day he helped himself to 1/2 an enormous quiche and half a family size salad, on top of what he normally eats. It was tastey though.  I found out lots of things and we had a great time generally. The gardener had ripped him off for a new fence, the house was scattered with paperwork as he tried to work out if he has enough savings (which he has). But he can't remember what he just read/said/saw on TV, never mind what happened any time for the last day, week, month... He thinks he's getting very forgetful, but doesn't comprehend how bad he is. While I was there, I patiently put the idea in his head that he needs help and it's time to move, particularly as he's isolated without his car. He bought right into it, we found a great place that agreed that sooner the better while he has the ability to make new routines, he applied, we waited thinking we'd done what was needed. Call on Friday, they'd love to take him, what care is he receiving? Er, none other than family, friends and a cleaner (who is ace). Now they tell me that they can't offer a place unless he has been assessed as needing care. She gve me a number to ring, saying get it done through the council, he's entitled, but warning that no doubt when asked he'll say he's managing whether he is or not, because for starters he won't really know! I will get this assessment organised and go to stay with him for a week before hand to ease him into the right frame of mind. It's not too hard to gently steer him so he thinks he's at the helm and I'm helping him. I really don't know what the assessment will consist of, or how to tackle it, but I do know time is running out and moving now will give him back his freedom/life instead of sitting, rather isolated, in a routine with nothing else much going on. He's 88 and pretty good physically. I'm thinking many of you will have been through this or similar. I'm a 6 hour drive away which doesn't help, my brother lives 10 minutes away, so keeps more of an eye on him. We are feeling rather green, so any advice is welcome. Sorry such a long post, trying to paint a picture is not easy. Sat round family dining table you'd barely know, but leave him in charge of any conversation, or interrupt his routine at all and he's stuffed. |
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Post by lollygagger on Oct 31, 2016 11:48:29 GMT
I should add that we have power of attorney, my bro talked him into that a couple of years ago. However, he's our dad so it's kind of hard and we haven't taken over yet. But we can when we need to. My bro has been collecting up the financial paperwork and as dad forgets he's doing this, he keeps looking for it and finds more every week, which is handy! |
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Post by Graham on Oct 31, 2016 12:02:14 GMT
So sad I don't know how old he is but I could be older or younger by a bit. If I was you I would be there for the assessment you are his carer. Has his doctor made any comment? Have you asked |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2016 12:05:10 GMT
So sad I don't know how old he is but I could be older or younger by a bit. If I was you I would be there for the assessment you are his carer. Has his doctor made any comment? Have you asked 88 |
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Post by Graham on Oct 31, 2016 12:11:25 GMT
So sad I don't know how old he is but I could be older or younger by a bit. If I was you I would be there for the assessment you are his carer. Has his doctor made any comment? Have you asked 88 This would be brother, Hi I am sorry about Dad. He is 13 years older than me. Family statistics suggest I will not get to that, we'll see. I think now days an Enduring Power of Attorney has to be registered with the Court of Protection if the patient is having problems. Something to check and watch. The laws have changed since I last held a responsibility several years ago. Do be their for the assessment |
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Post by tonyqj on Oct 31, 2016 12:13:40 GMT
I went through much the same with my mum last year, who was also a long drive away (though nothing like your 6 hours), so I feel your pain. Now my cousin is experiencing it with my aunt. I also know how frustrating dealing with the council can be. I found AgeUK very helpful in giving advice. Plus mum's doctor. If you haven't yet contacted either of those I'd suggest it as a good first start.
I'll be thinking of you.
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Post by lollygagger on Oct 31, 2016 12:17:04 GMT
So sad I don't know how old he is but I could be older or younger by a bit. If I was you I would be there for the assessment you are his carer. Has his doctor made any comment? Have you asked Yes he's 88 and yes I will be there! That's the point of a week preceding the assessment too. I have the time to hopefully make this go smoothly, but I'm expected to know the ropes and I realise I don't. While I was there in the summer his GP steered us towards the very good place he hopes to get into, it's the only place in his city geared up for Alzheimer's and dementia. But he didn't go further than that at the time. Good idea, I will try and talk to him again. |
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Post by Graham on Oct 31, 2016 12:24:03 GMT
So sad I don't know how old he is but I could be older or younger by a bit. If I was you I would be there for the assessment you are his carer. Has his doctor made any comment? Have you asked Yes he's 88 and yes I will be there! That's the point of a week preceding the assessment too. I have the time to hopefully make this go smoothly, but I'm expected to know the ropes and I realise I don't. While I was there in the summer his GP steered us towards the very good place he hopes to get into, it's the only place in his city geared up for Alzheimer's and dementia. But he didn't go further than that at the time. Good idea, I will try and talk to him again. Also ask the Doctor if he will write a letter for the Assessment team. That would increase the ease of persuading them. Oh don't sit there stum, gently remind him about things that have gone wrong, getting lost, forgetting to finish making a cup of tea, losing the toaster and things. Carers are part of the team now and should be listened to. |
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Post by Gone on Oct 31, 2016 12:54:40 GMT
My dad a few years back was in a similar situation and the council will not be keen on concluding that he needed assistance as they don't have enough budget to pay for all those that need help.
They will also means test him if you are looking to move him into a home with their financial support. This includes the value of his house if he lives alone. I suggest you talk to citizens advice as my dad was a few years ago and rules do change.
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Post by tonyqj on Oct 31, 2016 13:09:31 GMT
Am I correct in assuming that your dad is currently in otherwise good health? If he isn't, or should he get to a poor state of health in the future then you need to be aware of the NHS continuing healthcare scheme where they will fund everything including nursing home placement. I wasn't aware of this facility until it was too late for poor mum. Details are here: caretobedifferent.co.uk/paying-care-home-fees/nhs-continuing-healthcare/ |
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Post by lollygagger on Oct 31, 2016 13:26:28 GMT
Thanks guys, he's in good health otherwise, has saved up for retirement, will have to pay his own way and has the means to see him out.
I'm aware that nursing comes as free from NHS, but he doesn't need nursing.
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richard
Junior Member
Hunkering down in the bilge
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Post by richard on Oct 31, 2016 13:45:52 GMT
This is very much the same as I went through with my mother. She started with gentle memory loss but she became quite frail in the end which meant we had to move her into a residential home. She accepted this although never would accept that she had alzheimers despite medical diagnosis. I can't think of anything more distressing than coping with a parent with these problems.
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Post by JohnV on Oct 31, 2016 13:49:32 GMT
Coping with a loved one whose faculties are failing is a heart breaking job.
You have my total sympathy.
Try not to be under any illusions as to what the long term may hold.
When dementia in any of it's forms start, it is a one way street.
It is hard to come to terms with that inside your own head. You can't help but to keep hoping.
The sooner you face the fact that things will get worse the sooner you can begin to plan and cope.
As regards the assessment it is important that you attend. Often the replies given by the person being assessed will be phrased in a way that negates their need.
I remember listening to my mother in law being assessed, one of the questions was "can you do your own shopping"
to which she replied "Of course I can, I always do all my own shopping"
Yes she did, but she was neglecting to say that one of her daughters would have to drive her to the shop, walk round with her and make sure she bought what she needed, help her at the cash desk, carry the shopping to the car and drive her home. Then help her carry it into the flat and put it away properly.
Without someone there to clarify for example "How far can you walk" ...... "Oh miles" ......
Yes..... providing someone was there to remind them what they were doing and where they were going every hundred yards or so.
Without those corrections and additions the application would be rejected.
"Under supervision" is a very valuable phrase, use it as much as possible.
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Post by bettina on Oct 31, 2016 14:24:24 GMT
Sorry, I can't offer much piratical advice.
Was your Dad a war Vet by any chance? Or a member of the armed services?
While he was in the hospital, one of the nurses asked if he was a War Vet, which he was. She suggested I contact the VON (Victorian order of Nurses) as they would be able to assist us.
I did, and they were Brilliant!!! For a very nominal charge, they provided carers to come into my home 7 days a week (I did not have a regular work pattern from one week to the next, or even day to day) for 2 hours at lunch time & 2 hours at dinner time. Though he insisted on doing his own cooking & baking himself, I had the comfort of knowing had he ever fallen over or dropped a hot pan there was someone with him to either assist or call for assistance if they couldn't do it themselves. They also played cards or board games with him, read to him and really important to me, took care with assisting him in and out of the bath...something that I was not comfortable in doing, I'm sure there are quite a few sons who would feel the same with their mothers? Most importantly to me, that added care meant he was able to stay with me at "home".
Anyway, I "think" you have something similar to the VON over here. We also have the War Veteran's allowance in Canada, and they were very helpful in arranging for any equipment we needed .... wheelchairs, rails and such for the bathroom and had I owned the house they would have installed a chair lift for the stairs.
I appreciate your Dad's needs aren't the same as mine were, but do look into other agencies that may be able to assist you. Even if it's just to offer advice.
Best of luck with the assessment, you are in my thoughts xo
Please disregard the above, as it was mostly meant to help financially, and by the time it took me to type it, you made it clear that financial assistance was not needed.
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Post by lollygagger on Oct 31, 2016 16:07:35 GMT
Thanks for the replies. How to deal with the assessment was/is where I'm stuck.
I'm only too aware how it will go. He will regress to being a helpless baby in an old body. He has a sister who is a bit worse and as as far as he's concerned (he's a Scot, imagine dad's army Sgt Fraiser) "she's lost her mind!" Whereas he thinks he's just forgetful. Meanwhile memory's long forgotten and things he's always wanted to say, but not had the moment, come out. We spent an afternoon walking around his home town on streetview for instance. Tales of uni life and navy national service, the war ended just after his initial training.
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