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Joke Time
Feb 17, 2018 19:44:35 GMT
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Jim likes this
Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2018 19:44:35 GMT
I was out with woman and kids earlier at canary wharf and looking in one of the fountains there was £1.50 in two coins (a pound coin and a 50p coin) just out of reach. Usually you see smaller denominations in this sort of situation. Unfortunately it's only 10p,2p and 1p which are magnetic.
If I had a pound for wvery magnetic penny I have pulled out on the magnet...
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Joke Time
Feb 17, 2018 19:56:49 GMT
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Post by Jim on Feb 17, 2018 19:56:49 GMT
I was out with woman and kids earlier at canary wharf and looking in one of the fountains there was £1.50 in two coins (a pound coin and a 50p coin) just out of reach. Usually you see smaller denominations in this sort of situation. Unfortunately it's only 10p,2p and 1p which are magnetic. If I had a pound for wvery magnetic penny I have pulled out on the magnet... The tight arsed stingy bastards only throw low denomination coins in Blind Lemon Chitlins' hat anyway. Just enough to rattle.
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Joke Time
Feb 17, 2018 20:05:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2018 20:05:25 GMT
Its unacceptable to steal from a blind beggar. It really beggars belief that you would do that.
Good idea about the cane and magnet though !
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Joke Time
Feb 17, 2018 20:07:03 GMT
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Post by Jim on Feb 17, 2018 20:07:03 GMT
Just time the drop and lift to the beat of his tambourine, he can't hear you then.
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Joke Time
Feb 17, 2018 20:10:22 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2018 20:10:22 GMT
I've given it some thought. Seeing as he's blind could you not just walk up to the hat and take the money and run? If this was timed during a lull in admiring listeners it might work. or is he so successful that he has a constant audience and a very heavy hat at the end of each session?
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Joke Time
Feb 17, 2018 20:10:28 GMT
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Post by thebfg on Feb 17, 2018 20:10:28 GMT
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond. At the end all you need is a club and a spade. Nice I've been with my other half for 9 years now. she asked me to marry her 3 years ago but I said no. Still I expect with full time commitment and 2 kids etc we are probably as good as married anyway. I hate marriage. Same here nearly 15 years two kids and no ring. She's not happy about it though.
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Post by naughtyfox on Feb 17, 2018 20:12:53 GMT
Me plagiarising him? I taught him all he knows! I knicked it off a FB NB group. Istr foxy did a similar homeless man joke on here. I thought he was the only one who plumbed the depths. When I went into the pub there was a man sitting outside with a tatty old sleeping bag pulled up around him, with the cup and the dog. When I came out he was still there and looked up and said "Any change, mate?" to which I replied, "No, I'm still the same old miserable git."
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Joke Time
Feb 19, 2018 20:28:38 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2018 20:28:38 GMT
What do you call a blank man flying an aeroplane?
A pilot you racist bastard's!
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Post by Andyberg on Feb 21, 2018 17:44:54 GMT
I went into Mothercare this morning and said to the shop assistant, "Do you sell maternity dresses?"
"Yes sir," she replied. "What bust?"
"The bloody condom." I replied🙄
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Post by Andyberg on Feb 21, 2018 17:46:45 GMT
I feel really sorry for out of work midgets.... Means they really struggle to put food on the table!
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Post by bargemast on Feb 22, 2018 17:00:21 GMT
MY LAST RIDE
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, and severely banged my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful, women, who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “get in and I will take you to my house so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!
"Oh, come now, I am a nurse" she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty, and very persuasive and being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away, and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything, and by the way, where is she?"
I replied, "Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
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Post by Andyberg on Feb 23, 2018 9:08:04 GMT
I wish folks on here would stop taking the piss out of fat people.
Don't you think they have enough on their plates to deal with?
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Post by Stumpy on Mar 2, 2018 12:29:53 GMT
Mick goes to visit Paddy and finds him building a brick wall in his living room.
“Bejesus Paddy!” Said Mick. “What the feck is going on?”
“It’s because of the snow,” replied Paddy.
“But what’s snow got to do with you building a brick wall in your living room?” asked Mick.
“I’m working from home today” said Paddy.
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Post by Stumpy on Mar 4, 2018 1:54:44 GMT
Paddy is working in a posh house when the woman asks him if he'd like a Coffee.
"Excellent coffee," says Paddy.
"Thank you," says the woman. "My husband brought it back from Brazil."
"Amazing," says Paddy, "and it's still hot."
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Post by quaysider on Mar 4, 2018 12:33:48 GMT
any takers? Edited to add, this is NOT my number Mr Stabby ;-) - It's Nick's
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