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Joke Time
Mar 4, 2018 12:51:30 GMT
via mobile
Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2018 12:51:30 GMT
any takers? Edited to add, this is NOT my number Mr Stabby ;-)Β - It's Nick'sΒ Tamworth to Wolverhampton 24 miles 40 minutes. Not too arduous a commute.
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Post by bargemast on Mar 5, 2018 17:24:08 GMT
MAKE AMERICA GRATE AGAINA picture says more than a thousend words Peter.
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Post by Stumpy on Mar 9, 2018 7:00:29 GMT
A man sits next to a guy with a dog on a plane, and asks if it's a guide dog?
No, I'm a drugs officer, he's a sniffer dog, watch this, and says to the dog 'Search'
The dog goes off, comes back and puts 1 paw on his lap... 'Heroin' the guy says, and makes a note of the passenger.
The dog comes back again and puts 2 paws on his lap.... 'Coke' the guy says.
The dog comes back again and craps all over the seat. 'What the feck does that mean?' The man asks. "He's found a fecking bomb."
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Post by lollygagger on Mar 10, 2018 11:55:34 GMT
A woman visits her local plastic surgeon for a spot of vaginoplasty as her flower had now begun to look less like a flower and more like a toad in the hole after 4 kids, and 20 years of marriage had taken their toll. Upon awakening from anesthesia, she's confused to find 3 beautiful red roses lay at the foot of her hospital bed. She calls the nurse and asks for an explanation. Ah says the nurse the first rose is from your surgeon he says you were such a model patient and the operation went swimmingly he wanted go congratulate you on your new vagina! And the second, asks the woman?? The second rose is from your husband Charles, he had a quick peek beneath the sheets and cant wait to get you home to try it out! And the third rose asks the woman?? Mmmm says the nurse! The third rose is from Eric in the burns unit, he said thanks for the new EARS.
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Post by Andyberg on Mar 13, 2018 1:51:08 GMT
Did you hear about the holidaymaker in London who took his tour operator to court over his missing luggage.
Unfortunately, he lost his case! π
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Post by Mr Stabby on Mar 13, 2018 15:39:41 GMT
I just heard that a warehouse worker at the NestlΓ© factory was killed yesterday when a pallet of chocolate fell on him.
Apparently he tried for three hours to get help but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me!" everybody cheered.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2018 18:43:40 GMT
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Post by Stumpy on Mar 17, 2018 21:59:49 GMT
England Rugby Today (170318)
LMFSO
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Post by bodger on Mar 18, 2018 8:42:36 GMT
England Rugby Today (170318) LMFSO it would have been unsporting to beat them on St Patrick's Day. a bunch of truly polite and considerate Englishmen.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2018 8:48:27 GMT
Not funny Stumps, not funny.
Rog
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Post by Stumpy on Mar 18, 2018 9:14:55 GMT
Not funny Stumps, not funny. Rog I hang my head in shame ..................
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Post by lollygagger on Mar 20, 2018 21:52:15 GMT
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1) Wrap it in cheese.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2018 22:10:01 GMT
I think my dog thinks she is a cat...
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Post by Stumpy on Mar 26, 2018 13:56:32 GMT
Old One Paddy sits in the famous black chair on Mastermind. Magnus: Hello Paddy, your specialised subject on Old McDonald starts now! Magnus: Old McDonald had a what? Paddy: Dat would be a farm sir. Magnus: Correct Magnus: Spell 'Farm'. Paddy: E.I.E.I.O Sorry
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Post by lollygagger on Mar 27, 2018 7:05:27 GMT
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