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Post by Saltysplash on Nov 13, 2016 15:53:31 GMT
The Wife has left me, She went out to get some milk and didnt come back
I'll be, ok,
I've got some powdered stuff
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2016 18:12:12 GMT
Walking around a boatyard one day I heard a steel fabricator exclaim "Shit - I've reached the end of my electrode!! "
"Oh well - its not the end of the weld." I said.
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Post by lollygagger on Nov 13, 2016 18:27:36 GMT
Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.
The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"
"I didn't have to," Steve replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, Here I am!"
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2016 19:09:09 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2016 8:10:02 GMT
A kid comes home from school and tells his dad, "You have to go and see my Maths teacher."
His father asks why and the kid replies, "Well he asked me what 7 * 4 was and I said '28'. Then he asked what 4 * 7 was and I said, 'What's the fucking difference.'"
His father replies, "Indeed, what is the difference? Okay, I'll go."
The next day the boy comes home and asks, "Did you go to my school yet?"
The father replies, "Nope."
The boy says, "Well you have to see my Gym teacher too. Today I was in class and he told us to stand on our right leg for ten minutes. Then he told us to do the same with our left leg. So I asked him, 'Want me to stand on my cock next?'"
The dad replies, "Exactly, did he? I'll go soon."
The following day the boy comes home from school and says, "Don't bother going to my school. I got expelled."
His dad asks, "Why were you expelled?"
He replies, "Well they called me into the office and waiting for me was the maths teacher, the gym teacher, and the science teacher."
"What the fuck was the science teacher there for?" His dad asked.
"That's what I said!"
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Post by Stumpy on Nov 14, 2016 11:41:11 GMT
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in its mouth reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the doorstep. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and berating the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!!!"
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2016 14:43:35 GMT
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Joke Time
Nov 14, 2016 16:04:02 GMT
via mobile
Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2016 16:04:02 GMT
Is that your trump card?
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Post by PaulG2 on Nov 14, 2016 16:08:49 GMT
You might not want to give up your day job just yet.
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Joke Time
Nov 14, 2016 16:49:00 GMT
via mobile
Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2016 16:49:00 GMT
Fair enough. I guess the trump card thing has been done to death now and is no longer amusing. Is Donald "proud to be a merkin"? Shit. I thought of a really funny joke around the topic of the American "first gentleman" but I forgot it straight away. This is a sign of true comedy genius btw I'll remember it later.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2016 16:57:58 GMT
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Joke Time
Nov 14, 2016 19:18:02 GMT
via mobile
Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2016 19:18:02 GMT
Man walks into a bar.
Ouch !!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2016 11:19:49 GMT
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Post by Stumpy on Nov 15, 2016 13:48:20 GMT
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today in the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mum asked, "Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No, salty."............. Mum fainted.
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Post by naughtyfox on Nov 15, 2016 15:51:09 GMT
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