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Post by naughtyfox on Nov 25, 2016 17:54:26 GMT
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Post by Stumpy on Nov 25, 2016 20:35:46 GMT
I see in the Mills v McCartney divorce case, Paul agreed Heather could keep the plane.
He also threw in a razor for the other leg.
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Post by Stumpy on Nov 26, 2016 19:00:09 GMT
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.
He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him.
After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I’ll [insert appropriate colloquialism for sodomy here].”
The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over; and the bear does what he said he would do.
After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers back into town.
He’s pretty mad.
He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest.
He sees the same bear, aims, and fires.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “You know what to do.”
Afterward, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka.
Now he’s really mad.
He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires.
The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back.
When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, “You’re not doing this for the hunting, are you?”
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Post by naughtyfox on Nov 26, 2016 19:06:34 GMT
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Post by naughtyfox on Nov 26, 2016 19:08:03 GMT
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Post by Mr Stabby on Nov 26, 2016 19:20:29 GMT
Q. What goes "ring-ring, ring-ring, Arghhh!" ?
A. Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
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Post by Stumpy on Nov 27, 2016 14:17:02 GMT
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you mother fuckers who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
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Post by Mr Stabby on Nov 27, 2016 17:06:53 GMT
I phoned my boss and said "I can't come in to work today, I'm sick"
My boss said "How sick are you?"
I said "Well, I'm in bed with my sister".
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Post by Mr Stabby on Nov 27, 2016 18:20:55 GMT
I'm in a bit of a reflective mood right now because it was 75 years ago today that my Grandfather died at Auschwitz.
He got pissed and fell out of the machine-gun tower.
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Post by naughtyfox on Nov 27, 2016 18:42:59 GMT
Which leads to...
“A Dutchman and German man were sat next to one another on an aeroplane. The German took off his shoes and then stood up to get a drink. He asked the Dutchman if he would like him to fetch him a cola too. The Dutchman said that would be very nice. While the German man was getting the drinks, the Dutchman spat into his shoes. Towards the end of the flight, the German put his shoes back on and then realised what the Dutch man had done. He said to him ‘Why do we always have this hostility between our two countries? …Spitting in one another’s shoes and weeing in each other’s drinks!!’”
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Post by Mr Stabby on Nov 27, 2016 20:17:50 GMT
MJG goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, every time I look in the mirror I get aroused".
The doctor says "I'm not surprised, you're a cunt".
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Post by JohnV on Nov 27, 2016 20:37:11 GMT
Norty ...... but clever !!!
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Post by Stumpy on Nov 27, 2016 21:39:55 GMT
Norty ...... but clever !!! But not as clever as Iconoclast's signature a few month's ago !
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Post by Mr Stabby on Nov 28, 2016 20:23:44 GMT
Q. What's the best thing about twenty-four year old girls?
A. There's twenty of them.
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Post by naughtyfox on Nov 29, 2016 16:22:05 GMT
As you're here I'd like to say thanks for the Rumpole DVDs - I have never seen it before and Leo is a fine actor methinks! Have watched 6 episodes so far (Season 1). I wondered about his eye and Google says he was in a workshop accident when he was younger. Also, an Australian! I've often wondered how Renee Zellweger managed to have such a British accent in the Bridget Jones movies 1 & 2 - I also wonder what on Earth she had done to her face - have read about it but it's still a mystery or a big fat lie. What is it with all these famous actors, they all seem to flip and go bonkers. Jim Carrey's girlfriend, Robin Williams topping himself, Johnny Depp and divorces, Brad Pitt and rubber-lips Jolie. Seems they have to mess up all the good they've done. Bizarre.
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