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Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2016 16:32:59 GMT
Snip Seems they have to mess up all the good they've done. Bizarre. When you find the answer let me know. A year ago or so ago I was speaking to a specialist, she new my story and I said I wanted to go for a long walk... Outcome was the specialist asked me what I thought about my plans. I put my head to one side and said 'I'm mad' then put my head to other side and said 'I'm a genius' repeat for a few times and for the first time in years a pretty woman laughed with me! Genius or mad - who decides?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2016 17:24:55 GMT
Sorry forgot this was the joke thread. So...
One out of four people in this country is mentally imbalanced.
Think of your three closest friends...
If they seem Ok, well what can I do to help you.
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Joke Time
Nov 29, 2016 18:04:06 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2016 18:04:06 GMT
I was out the other day watching a tennis match. Got chatting to an american geyser who was the owner of a tennis ball manufacturing facility supplying equipment to major tournament organisers and professional players. I asked him if it was a complicated procedure as the balls do seem to be quite technical when you look at them.
He thought I was winding him up.
I said no I am serious is it complicated to make tennis balls.
"For fucks sake its not racket science" was his rather blunt reply.
(And by the way I only have 1 friend and he is completely mentally imbalanced)
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Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2016 18:13:42 GMT
(And by the way I only have 1 friend and he is completely mentally imbalanced) As long as that friend isn't you, you are doing ok!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2016 18:15:13 GMT
Its OK I hate myself already !
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Post by Stumpy on Nov 29, 2016 19:38:35 GMT
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you £800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"
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Post by Saltysplash on Nov 30, 2016 10:35:29 GMT
and now one from the late great Spine Milligna
There was a young man from darjeeling Who once got a bus to ealing A sign on the door Said dont spit on the floor So he stood up and spit on the ceiling
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2016 11:11:07 GMT
How to Achieve Inner Peace
Here's some advice from a top psychologist:
Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Pinot Noir, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kaluha, a packet of Penguins, the remainder of bottle of Prozac, Valium prescriptions, the rest of the Cheesecake, and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how good I feel.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2016 13:09:34 GMT
I was told this one by a sixth former while walking to the train back from school when I was 12 (went to a tw@ boys school full of dickhead stockbrokers and bankers sons) Anyway I guess its a well known one but it made an impression on me (not literally !!)
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman.
"Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
"Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive.
"Make love to me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot.
"Fuck me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.
When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
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Nov 30, 2016 17:11:23 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2016 17:11:23 GMT
Old Chinese proverb:
Man go through airport check-in sideways
He going to Bangkok !
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Post by bargemast on Nov 30, 2016 18:58:08 GMT
and now one from the late great Spine MillignaThere was a young man from darjeeling Who once got a bus to ealing A sign on the door Said dont spit on the floor So he stood up and spit on the ceiling I only know a name that looks a bit like the one you wrote here, and who said that sort of things, but his name was Spike Milligan.
Peter.
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Nov 30, 2016 19:15:35 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2016 19:15:35 GMT
Auto correct?
I once saw a sign in a launderette saying "No spitting in the bin"
I wonder if it was in homage to Mr Milligan?
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Nov 30, 2016 19:27:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2016 19:27:13 GMT
Can we do funny comedy sketches here?
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Nov 30, 2016 19:31:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2016 19:31:07 GMT
Can we do funny comedy sketches here? Oh yes! Especially if it's from the Fast Show
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Post by naughtyfox on Nov 30, 2016 20:56:12 GMT
Old Chinese proverb: Man go through airport check-in sideways He going to Bangkok ! Yeah, I always think it's weird that, with it's reputation as a sex holiday destination, Thailand's biggest cities are called Bang Cock and Fuck It.
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