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Post by JohnV on Jun 17, 2021 11:28:34 GMT
Stabby 7 Jim 5
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Post by Mr Stabby on Jun 22, 2021 17:44:24 GMT
I have a musician friend who specialises in composing pieces about mechanical sewing machines.
He's a Singer songwriter.
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Post by Jim on Jun 22, 2021 17:48:42 GMT
I have a musician friend who specialises in composing pieces about mechanical sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter. You had me in stitches there, be loosing the thread next.
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Post by Mr Stabby on Jun 22, 2021 17:51:35 GMT
I have a musician friend who specialises in composing pieces about mechanical sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter. You had me in stitches there, be loosing the thread next. I only posted that to needle you.
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Joke Time
Jun 22, 2021 17:56:08 GMT
via mobile
Post by Jim on Jun 22, 2021 17:56:08 GMT
You had me in stitches there, be loosing the thread next. I only posted that to needle you. Best treadle carefully...
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Joke Time
Jun 22, 2021 18:41:32 GMT
via mobile
Jim likes this
Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2021 18:41:32 GMT
It's taken me a while to cotton on to this. There I was bobbin along minding my own business when some sew and sew starts acting up.
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Post by JohnV on Jun 22, 2021 18:43:29 GMT
You have to thread your way carefully through the puns
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Post by Jim on Jul 4, 2021 18:07:24 GMT
A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on… "You do have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming though, and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1,000 an inch. The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.
But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit uncomfortable.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed."
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?” "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?” "Yes," says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting a new kitchen 😂😂
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Post by Mr Stabby on Jul 4, 2021 19:02:53 GMT
1995 phoned. It wants its joke back.
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Post by Jim on Jul 8, 2021 9:46:02 GMT
· The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. “May I help you sir?” she asked. The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.” “Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam. He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.” Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. “There are no discounts. The price is still $10,000.” Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” The man replied, “St. Louis.” “Really,” she said. “I have family in St. Louis.” “I know,” the man said. “Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.” The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death. 2. Taxes. 3. Being screwed by a lawyer......
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Post by Jim on Jul 9, 2021 17:13:48 GMT
QUOTES FROM BRITISH MILITARY ANNUAL PERSONNEL REPORTS
1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. 2. I would not breed from this Officer. 3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot. 4. This officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up. 5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be. 6. When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there. 7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2 man submarine 8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. 9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. 10. Technically sound, but socially impossible. 11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference. 12. When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably. 13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar. 14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere. 15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig. 16. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 17. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age. 18. This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better. 19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet. 20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship. 21. Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest. 22. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 26. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. 28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 29. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm. 30. A room temperature IQ. 31. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. 32. A gross ignoramus, 143 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on. 34. He has been working with glue too long. 35. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell. 36. This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie. 37. If two people are talking, and one looks bored, he's the other one. 38. One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ test. 39. He donated his body to science before he was done using it. 40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. 41. He's so dense, light bends around him. 42. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. 43. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled. 44. Takes him 1.1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes. 45. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is long gone.
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Post by JohnV on Jul 10, 2021 14:09:16 GMT
QUOTES FROM BRITISH MILITARY ANNUAL PERSONNEL REPORTS Loved that post Jim ...... there were some real crackers in that !!!
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Post by Jim on Jul 30, 2021 17:45:47 GMT
A guy starts a new job at the zoo.
His first hob is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the fish to death with a spade.
Realising that his boss is not going to be pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.
He then starts his second job clearing out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at him. Not amused he swipes at the chimps with his spade killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage.
He moves on to his last job collecting honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees. Alarmed he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like in here?". The other lion says:
"Absolutely brilliant today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees!"
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Joke Time
Jul 30, 2021 18:42:25 GMT
via mobile
Jim likes this
Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2021 18:42:25 GMT
Time for a new joke book old chap.
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Post by JohnV on Jul 31, 2021 13:35:22 GMT
"Absolutely brilliant today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees!" that was definitely worth a groan
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